Wet hole

Mary Pat: We have so much more to offer than you.
Carp: What? A hole? I have a wet hole too.

You? Not so much.

Walking through Lincoln Fest and stopped at two random girls in the crowd talking and said, (to first girl) "I'd bang you." (To second girl) "But you? not so much."

No, wait... Those are totally my balls!...

From the North...

I don't know, man... I don't think you can catch AIDs from a North American...

Jive...

Whilst entering a wal-mart in the fall of 2003 in Ames Iowa, Carp met his first of many inflatable friends... After seeing the price, Adam said with amazement, "It's only $80.00!"...

Do you have any idea

Carp- I'd be the best fuck of your life

Girl- I doubt it

Carp- Do you have any idea how big my dick is?

All points, whether valid or not, will not be accepted today in observance of Article 98; Rule 1b; Section 718 which states, “if you have red hair you suck.”

Oh yea, and Article 1; Rule ‘short people’; Section ‘midget butt’ which states, “midgets don’t count as people.”

Whatever. I hang out with my sisters all the time. I should have been a girl.

What, you think I can't read?

I love getting penetrated. And I'm a guy.

When I get a life-partner, I'm going to bang the shit out of it every day.

Can we get pedicures today?

I'd be the best stripper ever. I'm limber.

May 31

Um are you sure we didn't bang? Because your hair looks like we did.

I mean, I'll probably touch my kids.

I saw the best ass, she was rollerblading in front of me. She was like 10, well maybe 12.

Don't you remember when we were laying in bed together? Skyping with my parents? (to Cory)

Am I being awesome? I'm pretty sure I'm awesome (while naked in hallway)

I mean you can't tell me you've never thought of banging me. I've thought about banging Cory.

What? You think I can't read?

I'm pretty sure that you have AIDS.

Does it make you sad that no one is ever going to love you? (to Mary Pat and me)

Mary Pat: People tell me I have the same facial features as Katherine Heigal.
Carp: What? Like a basset hound?