May 31

Um are you sure we didn't bang? Because your hair looks like we did.

I mean, I'll probably touch my kids.

I saw the best ass, she was rollerblading in front of me. She was like 10, well maybe 12.

Don't you remember when we were laying in bed together? Skyping with my parents? (to Cory)

Am I being awesome? I'm pretty sure I'm awesome (while naked in hallway)

I mean you can't tell me you've never thought of banging me. I've thought about banging Cory.

What? You think I can't read?

I'm pretty sure that you have AIDS.

Does it make you sad that no one is ever going to love you? (to Mary Pat and me)

Mary Pat: People tell me I have the same facial features as Katherine Heigal.
Carp: What? Like a basset hound?